On A Personal Note

This week comes with mixed emotions. On one hand, I am excited because it marks the beginning of the holidays. It's my favorite time of the year and it means more family time which I love. On the other hand, it begins the hardest part of every year for me. The 5th anniversary of my dad’s death is on Tuesday. I can’t say it’s gotten easier over the years…I wondered if it ever would but I’m beginning to realize that it probably won’t. Things change, we go about living our lives, and the pain might move to the back-burner for the time being but it’s always there and I still miss him.

I know everyone gets "ripped off" of some time with a loved one when they are taken from this life to the next but that doesn’t change how I feel and perhaps I feel more so that way because of my circumstances when he died. I wish my dad would have been there to welcome me home from serving a mission. I wish I could have told him a few more times how much I loved him and appreciated him. I wish I could go to him for counsel and help. I wish my husband could have met him and gained his approval and grown to love him and I wish he could have been there physically when I got married. I wish he could be here for the births, and lives, of our children—he was an amazing grandpa and my kids won’t get to enjoy that. And I wish he was here to celebrate this time of year, this year and every year. He had a passion for this season and made it so much fun and the holidays seem to have lost something. Though he is gone, I'm very grateful I still have the rest of my family with whom I can celebrate this season.

I talk to him often and pray to Heavenly Father to give him messages from me. I’m looking forward to visiting his grave next weekend since it's been a little while since I've been to visit his final resting place. It’s hard to say “I love you” to someone who is not here physically...but I never want to forget that and I want him to know I still think about him. I do, however, rejoice that he made it. He was faithful to the gospel, to my mom, and to his family and I can't help but think that he's busy as can be doing good on the other side of the veil just as he always was here. He's teaching and serving and in his free time I'm sure he is discovering all of the cool things there. I can't wait to be greeted by him so he can show me what he's been up to all this time. I know it's "but a small moment" that he's gone from our family on earth (in the eternal scheme of things) but it seems daunting to go through the rest of my life without him in our family.

In this past LDS General Conference, Elder Wirthlin said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time that we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I can't wait for the day when our family is together again and when we will all shed tears of rejoicing and gratitude rather than the countless tears that have been shed for him since he left this mortal world. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, Dad. I love you.

I like this picture. My dad teaching me how to fish with his dad right behind him. check out my awesome capris...though I don't think they were the style when I was 6.